The horrors of Queen Anne
I love my city. The food, the sights, it’s all so natural and perfect. Which is great cause Seattle has some of the worst people in the entire world! If you can’t tell my thoughts of the value of other people are pretty low. Like if you asked me what was more useful, a old orange peel or a new born baby, I would save the orange peel. Me and other people just don’t see eye to eye….it’s a pity, they could learn so much from me. But Seattleites aren’t your average twiddle doo people…they are an advanced version of aliens, rejected from their home planet because they were too flippin stupid. And my guess is that Queen Anne is where the strongest of the stupid prosper.
If you’ve ever been to Queen Anne, you know the special people that live there. You have the upper middle class families that eat all natural organic foods and blog together at dinner while wondering if their minivan is cool enough to go to lacrosse practice. Then you have the old grumpy people that never leave their yards because if they do the possibility that happiness might hit them is too much. You have the snobby teenagers who walk around with their UW sweatshirts and flip flops that are super annoying…just like their faces. Oh…and you can’t forget the worst people ever…..SPU students. I know what you’re thinking….Jossy, aren’t you a SPU student? And I will answer with a yes…but I’m not the SPU students who smacks around and is a schmuck all around. (You know who you SPUers are!)
My story starts on a hot summer afternoon. By hot I’m talking about 70 degrees, which some of you are rolling your eyes and calling me a weeny. But remember that for Seattle you have 70 degrees and a million degrees of humidity….it’s awful. Add the fact that Seattle is full of Hills…not a little bump in the ground. I’m talking about huge, mountain like hills that can turn a boy into a man once he reaches the summit. Their awful and I hate them and hope that someday I could bulldoze them all down. So you have the heat and the hills and you wonder why I have venture outside my safe place. Marshmallow cream.
I love marshmallow cream and I really wanted some. So after work I started the journey to get some. Going up Queen Anne I realized halfway up the street that this was the greatest mistake I could have made…and it was about to get worse. Once I reached the top of the hill I started to venture down the street to Safeway…because Seattle is so awful that unless you go to an even more awful whole natural food market, you get schmucky Safeway. So I’m on my way to Safeway when it begins…the jerks of Queen Anne come out to hate on me.
First we have this schmucky family as I was walking down the street. Because Seattle needs to create chaos and awful moments, one of the sidewalks tripped me as I was walking. I didn’t fall all up on my face, or make a stupid noise or anything…I just tripped. No big deal….just a trip. But this flippin family decides it’s a big deal. The schmucky kids look at each other with their schmucky faces and laugh….ALOUD!!!! They don’t try to hide it or wait until I’m behind them…they laugh at me TO MY FACE. And what do the schmucks parents do? They look at me, bow their heads, and just give me the greatest look of disappointment on their faces. Like…I need another adult being disappointed at my life…I have these two schmucks who have laughing hyena children judging me.
Next I stomp into Safeway…angry at the schmuckness I had to deal with and ended up having to deal with more. First off, everyone and their mom decided to come to Safeway to get their dang fried chicken and mixed salad. The lines were literally so long, not to mention that it was hotter than my grandmas’ toes in a sauna. So by the time I found the marshmallow cream I almost collapsed from disappointed from the stupid lines. Starving I decided that I wanted some gross Starbucks instead…and a muffin (because I really wanted sugar) On my way to put back the cream (cause I’m not a flippin jerk-O) I ran into two high school girls who were going to have a bonfire. So they were looking into buying smore stuff, mainly the chocolate. But these where Queen Anne girls… Hershey chocolate wouldn’t cut it. They needed $8.00 chocolaty squares and ended up sending $80!!!! Okay…at that point I just left Safeway, empty handed and disgusted at the life forms around me. Leaving was the worst thing I could have done. One the way out a dude was backing up to leave but stopped when he saw me. I knew he saw me, because he waved at me. Me being me, I waved back…you know….because you do that. As I moved on, this waste of human space, decided to continue backing up INTO ME! Thinking he didn’t get the message that I was a real human being that could be broken if ran over with a truck. Clearly this guy went to stupid moron high, where he graduated valedictorian with high marks in stupidity and lowest grades of intelligence.
By now I was livid with hate over this tiny pocket of insanity. I rushed pass anyone that I knew could drive me over the edge. Unfortunately I didn’t rush fast enough because I ended up walking past one of the open sidewalk restaurants that line the street. At one of the closer tables a heavily pregnant woman was talking to her overdressed mom friends about her upcoming addition to this hell hole of a place and I heard something that stopped me in my tracks and almost caused me to vomit all over the street. Breast….this woman thought that she could just announce to the whole world she was afraid to expose her child to her breast. There are a list of words I feel should never be said ever and that word is one of them. I don’t know why, but having a person announce a part of their body too sensitive for another human being to suck is just awful. And this was at 5:15pm on a Wednesday in the middle of the open….not in the midafternoon during your tea time in your house or at soccer practice. Needless to say, I stopped and stared at the freak that said it and I will tell you I was not ashamed that I did. She on the other hand had all the reason to be ashamed that any bystander had to be exposed to her nasty mouth…but was she. Let me answer that….NO! Instead she looked at me like I was the freak and proceeded to talk about her sore body parts.
I wish I could tell you that it gets better, that Queen Anne is only like this once a month or during a full moon. But the reality is that this is what you have to deal with every time you venture through. After that day I decided that I would not stop going to Queen Anne, not because its all just me or a fluke that day was awful. But because I realize how important it is for a person with an advanced intelligence and call to help people, enriching the miserable lives of those who live in that awful terrible place. So hold on Queen Anne, Jossy is on the way to help!