If you’ve been following my blog you know that I am a special kind of person…
think of a five year old kid and then add the mentality and size of a 20 year old woman….thats me in a nut shell.
I tend to do things a little differently than most. When shopping for groceries some people double check that their children haven gone and placed sugary sweets in a strangers cart because mine is usually full of the greatest sugar crap a person can find.
And you would think I would grow out of it…become a real adult who go one and pay my taxes and eat raisin bran.
So I want to explain to you how this childish thinking has led me to some pretty unconvincing situations in my life. We are going to use my love life today because that’s always fun to look at.
For those who don’t know or haven’t read earlier post ‘I’ve released to the world, my love life is pretty fudgie. I know that if I had a relationship I would be awful at it and my lack of emotions leads me to think that true love is going to have to wait. But after seeing person after person find someone they enjoy spending time with I’ve grown into the idea of having someone and my lack of finding that person has made me….well, awful and weak.
So once I finally found someone and was able to connect with them..I had decided that was it. I had found my perfect guy who was single, the perfect height (a lot harder than you think) and was so awful at being nice and people friendly that there was no way he would attract another person.
So I pulled out everything I could to make it happen. I had my sister do my hair during break and endured 3 days of screaming and high school musical. I bought more heels (okay I was going to buy those anyway) and by spring quarter I was the top girl on campus.
So I look awesome, I walk awesome, and you think it will be an easy walk in the park getting this guy to at least idk….think maybe something is up…
Nope….instead he take all this extra attention I’ve been putting off and thinks I’m doing this for his best friend.
Let me explain…his best friend was everything I would never want. In fact the thought that he would even put the two of us together just about made me give up on him right there and then. But I decided to continue on because I decided that a person that stupid needs someone like me to help them out in life…once again, I’m stupid.
So I tried and even used the whole friend thing to my advantage (turns out the friend had caught on and was helping me out) and while we made lots of progress I still hadn’t made a lot of progress once graduation came and he “left” school. Of course it wasn’t the end…how could it be, that would be too easy!
It turns out he had gotten into grad school here at my university which means I still had two whole years of him around campus. Of course when I found out I was a little relived and a smudgy happy…
Of course I had to go through the summer with trying to stay relevant in his mind….which is where we are today.
If you can’t tell me and the internet are pretty good buds. Sometimes we go out with snacks and party it up all night long…its a hard friendship since the school bully homework always tries to break us up because she’s jealous…but we make it work.
The great thing is the fact that my crush is pretty much the same way….in fact he might be a little bit more than me. He likes to post stuff all the time….like ALL THE TIME! Pictures go up from Instagram every night, he finds funny Youtube videos and links them to his wall, an I’m pretty sure his updates on like could be used to write a novel.
This is all great….other than the fact that I tend to flip out physically when I see his updates, because it reminds me that he still lives….and probably doesn’t give a flip. All the while I’m acting like I’m having a mental break down at work because I went on Facebook and saw the buzzfeed post he had about cats.
Seriously its bad…I end up going like this…
I start to cool off into this…..
And finally I realize what has happened and end up like this….
…….I’m not proud of myself.
And so that’s the setting for last night. I was just recovering from being at work and seeing that someone post a bunch of stuff…and the only way to avoid it is to stay off Facebook…the only entertainment I have during the work day. So I get home all relaxed and actually have fun with my friends…and then it happened.
He post a picture of him back home….with some other chick I know from school!!!
Usually when this happens I just go “okay….fudge them.” and move in with my life….but this time I had a couple different emotions in my mind.
First I was all…DIE
Then I just got kind sad….and weak
I texted a friend and sent her my feelings….
And she responded that it might be a good thing….and said that maybe now I can finally look at winning something I can actually get…
…….I didn’t even know how to respond to that!
I started to look at who I am….and I realized something…..I’M FREAKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!
AM I GOING TO GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS!?!?!
ESPEICALLY MY JACOB DREAMS!?!?!
I’m A beautiful and smart and amazing woman….who just so happens to be AWESOME!!!
And just because some people doubt my relationship choices (or wanna be relationship choices) doesn’t mean I cant make them happen.
To the haters I will stay strong and give them what they deserve.
And to the boy and boys I will continue to make them go like this..
And remember to all of you out there that maybe life is hard and maybe the guy you like is a little harder to get than you originally thought….but you still don’t have anything to lose by trying….
That is my life……welcome to the chaos.