Growing up in a large family I’ve always had to keep my feeling locked up tight as to not disturbed anyone…just kidding, when I wanted to let my feeling out they were out. So as an adult I feel that I should let my feeling be known and share them. So here I go….I fudging HATE CHILDREN. Children are the pest of the world, causing all kinds of problems and issues that everyone complains about but never act on them because we need a tiny me crawling and slobbering all over the place. And if the evil of the world had to have a leader, I know exactly who it would be. My mother fudging nephew, mega hipster in training, vegan to the max Ethan.
Ethan is the world’s worst ten year old in existence and the reason I will never have or even consider children. First off the kids I.Q is higher than my brain surgeon, mathematical genius cousins (hate them too, stupid science people). Having a thing that’s smarter than me and younger makes me automatically uneasy because he knows he can outsmart me in any contest of the mind.
On top of being smart the kid has a gift of being a prodigy of any and everything. He can play the piano, violin, double bass, bagpipes, and harp…yep, the little weirdo can play the freakin harp!!! I could barely learn how the play the recorder…thing was stupid as heck. To add to the list, he can paint like Picasso and has entered ADULT art competitions and won! On top of all this he can sing and speak French, Italian, German, and RUSSIAN (still can beat him in Spanish…okay I only know the swear words but still!)
But once you get past the robot mind of his you learn the real evil is deep inside. The kid is a self-proclaimed vegan……really, I’m not joking. My meat eating sister and her super meat eating husband created a kid who won’t even eat cheese. No one knows why or where he even found out about vegetarians (us Smiths pride ourselves in making fun of and harassing vegetarians since the beginning of time) Take tonight for instance; I got the pleasure of babysitting my sisters’ offspring for the night. As I started to order pizza from the local pizza place Ethan stopped me and told me I had to get a vegetarian pizza. I knew about his special “diet” so I told him I was getting a cheese. He responded that he didn’t want cheese because the cheese would be breaking his personal code if he didn’t know that the cows the milk came from were mistreated…ya. SO, I had to order pizza from some special pizza place that operates for vegan and animal lovers…gross. So I just ordered my first and last vegan friendly, non-cheese, roasted vegetable (with extra green peppers, cause we were feeling a little daring), low sauce, and whole wheat thin crust pizza. I cried when the
guy delivered this abomination.
But it doesn’t just end there. The kid feels that everything in life needs to be explained…and he was meant to explain it all…to you…in the most negative and pessimistic way possible. So to explain this take any Disney movie. I love Disney, it’s the only time I can feel happy and childlike inside.
Ethan has killed that feeling for me. At the age of 7 Ethan explained how racist Disney was and went through all the parts that should make me feel like Disney was trying to tell me I suck for being slightly darker than my boogers. To top that off ever conversation with him leads me to discovering the evil person inside.
The perfect example of this is a convo I was having with Ethan while eating that nasty pizza. We were talking about the Bond movies and it was going pretty well. No arguing, no “I’m so right, and your dumb…and stupid.” no crying in the bathroom about my lack of I.Q…it was nice. Eventually
the conversation became about the villains and what makes a good evil person. This lead to the ultimate evil person of all time. And for once I thought I would win, I knew so many evil people in the world and why they qualify. Jon Venables and Robert Thompson, Hitler, the evil creepy dude from the hunchback of ND (pretty much everyone was creepy in that movie). I thought I got him
cornered…I got it…why hadn’t he said anything yet!
How did Ethan respond…he responded with Scar from the flippin Lion King. And the worst part…it made sense. Scar not only was so cold hearted and dastardly he was able to kill his own, perfectly nice brother, he convinced his nephew who kind of looked up to him and trusted him that he was to blame and tried to kill him. Scar was so evil he was able to destroy his entire family and didn’t feel any remorse and for what…just to consider himself king. Once you go into the mind of Scar you realize that nothing could stop him, it took about twenty lion years to take him down and by then it would be like fighting with your old uncle who had cancer…he let you win because he knew his time was coming. Simba couldn’t even take him down…it took a pack of hyenas(which is the Disney equivalent of crazy black gang members) to kill Scar. Ethan explained how Scar was one of the few evil villains that was able to do exactly what he wanted to do…with little to no threats. And keep in mind that his legacy still continued because in the Lion King 2 Scars son became the king after he got with Simbas daughter…so Scar still wins.
So he won…I looked at the evidence and realized that once again a child half my age out smarted me. And then the turd said the words that convinced me I will never have children out of fear they will turn out like him…
“And this is the reason Scar is my hero.”